Opting out of Overdone

Let's take a lesson from Bartleby, and chose to not play the game

There is a temptation in the slog of middle age to continue to play by the rules of the Overdone Society, the continued pressure to raise expectations for the purpose of status-seeking, affirmation-seeking and one-upmanship. It is the water in which we fish swim, and it is very, very hard to get out. But, we can consciously choose to go a different way.

Years ago, some friends of ours used to practice what they called “scruffy hospitality” when they hosted a community group in their home. Rather than running around to clean up their house to an unrealistic state of order, they just named it, and told their guests that they were going to see the real deal, unfolded laundry and all. I’m willing to bet that their conversations were richer because they had entered “the valley of the real.”

We are starting to see examples of this elsewhere play out. Venues, restaurants, even meals with friends where phones aren’t allowed.

But we don’t need minor skirmishes - so much as an all out war.

Over-doneness teaches us and applauds when we weary ourselves out. It’s the rules of Survivor brought to life - outwit and outlast. Instead, we can say no mas.

We can choose not to spend a year planning the perfect high school graduation party. We don’t have to post pictures of our dinner on Instagram. Just ask yourself, if this was 1995, would I be doing this?

Each of those choices to say enough, bring with it margin and space. Margin and space compound into freedom, and with freedom gives us the gift of presence. Presence to see and be with one another. Or as my 15-year old told me recently, “Dad, conversation at dinner is low-key underrated.”