The mid-life slog

Middle age is a slog. It’s siege warfare, and they’ve started eating the rats.

Your kids are ‘differentiating’ which is good - but it also means they need to push back to find boundaries. But moments that previously would have passed in a second become hot wars in 2 sec - leaving you wondering what the hell just happened.

Work is busy - you are experienced enough to have some degree of seniority and plenty of things to do.

In all that, you need to take care of yourself - eat healthy enough and get workouts in - while your body is not as young as it used to be. And there is the challenge of how to take care of your own psychology.

Within all this, you are trying to sustain, and maybe build a marriage.

The late Rick Woolworth called it the “Red Zone” - a time in which every dimension of life is asking for all you can give.

One study highlights that life satisfaction bottoms out in the early-mid forties and climbs from there.

Apparently 44 isn’t great….

There are 2 primary challenges to this stage in life. The first is just the volume of asks. Even if life is going swimmingly well, there is just a lot going on. I personally have found a lot of value in books like Essentialism or The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry.

But a good chunk of those books could be easily summarized by a comment author Atul Gawande made in a recent interview. “Before the age of 40, you should say yes to almost everything. After the age of 40, you should say no to almost everything.”

His point is that early on, novelty and exposure are good things as you build your life. You don’t know which projects, relationships, experiences are going to be key to opening the path forward. But as time passes, you hopefully know the things you should be doing. The goal then is to keep the main thing, the main thing.

The second challenge is what Jim Collins’ refers to as the “fog of success” or the “fog of disappointment.” Essentially, when we hit the seminal moments in life (“cliffs” in Collins terminology), they are often followed by extended periods of uncertainty.

The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places. Hemingway

This is what I”m seeing a lot of right now. People who are either having big successes or who are being whipsawed by unexpected failure/disappointment/suffering. A big chunk of guys I know have been in therapy to work through this. And the ones who haven’t gone, in general, aren’t doing great.

Avoiding the second movie curse

So how then do we keep middle age from being the crappy second movie in a trilogy? Less Cars 2 and Oceans 12 and more like Godfather 2 or Empire Strikes Back?

The structure of movies can actually be quite instructive in answering this question. First movies are unique. You meet the characters, a lot happens, and there may be an initial first resolution. Life is similar. We develop, we find love, vocation, maybe start our families. End film.

At the end, we know that third movies bring ultimate resolution to the conflict. There will be setbacks along the way, but we know that at their end, all will be resolved.

But what about the middle film?

Like in chess, the middle is where the ending is setup. There are many moves, possibilities still ahead.

But a lot of second movies fall apart because they try to continue the story from the first - but there isn’t enough there. Trying to avoid that risk, many other second films try to tell a completely different story, but ultimately unsuccessfully.

The good second movies are different. They are a deepening of the story. Luke meets Yoda in the second movie. We see Michael Corleone move into leadership. Each protagonist grows and develops.

And keep in mind, Empire ends badly. Han Solo is frozen, Luke’s hand is cut off. Things do not look good.

Middle age is likely similar.

We see our assumptions and patterns tested to see if they are durable. The longings we want but haven’t had met. The pain / discomfort / unhealed wounds of our past clanging to be numbed.

The choice - around or through?

Middle age is fundamentally about the choice we will will make.

The choice to try and go around (aka avoidance) or a choice to go through. But we know the path - Luke had to enter the cave to become the Jedi he was meant to be.

This isn’t a trivial choice, and those who choose to go around now, only set themselves up for a poor ending.

In the slog, there seems to be a common thread of managing the tragedies/pain/suffering of life poorly. Some run into the arms of a lover. Others turn to substances to numb out the pain. This approach, to go around, works for a time, until it doesn’t.

But avoidance today accrues interest at a high rate.

Rather than the challenge of growth today, with the commensurate benefits of seeing greater joy from the great gifts life has to offer, avoidance gradually but inevitably narrows life until it has a singular, restrictive focus.

Conclusion

I have written and rewritten this post probably a dozen times in a bunch of different variations, trying to figure out what exactly it is I’m trying to say.

What I’ve settled on is that I want to offer encouragement to all who are in the middle and are doing the hard work to push through the “fog.” It isn’t easy for anyone, but find a friend, and work through it. The middle cannot be rushed through. The friends and acquaintances I meet who have encountered it head on and wholeheartedly have become inspiring, dynamic individuals.

At the same time, I feel like I’ve seen and spoken with a number of people who I’d put in the ‘avoidance’ camp. To them, I want to encourage them to face the middle in all its messiness.

And for the good number of you readers who are past this stage of life, your wisdom and encouragement can mean a lot.