What to do if you are a perpetual small talker?
Three common statements we all make are an on-ramp to a deeper and more aligned life
Among the many reasons Seinfeld was a great TV show are the iconic characters introduced: the low talker, the soup nazi, etc.
I'd like to suggest one addition: the perpetual small talker.
In the wild, I have encountered several folks like this. They can and do spend the day at surface level. You want to cover the weather, the outcome of the 'big game,' whatever is topical politically - they are down for it.
Ask them a slightly, deeper question about the shape of their lives - crickets chirping.
Maybe, I am the problem in these interactions. Maybe we haven't built enough rapport to discuss deeper, more interesting questions. But honestly, the longer time passes, the more I am convinced that there are some people who have zero depth, right now.
It's not because they will never have any depth - but for now, they do not seem to know themselves. They are avoiding probing their inner depths - either due to pain, privacy, or something else.
Try as they may to avoid deeper self knowledge, learning to go deeper is a journey worth embarking on. Whether you acknowledge it or not, your personality, core drivers, essential fears, etc. are shaping how you live your life.
Understand it today voluntarily or later when it becomes more pressing - either way, what is buried deep is coming up at some point. With deeper understanding comes the opportunity to live life more aligned with what you care most deeply about.
So where to begin - if you want to unpack your core motivations a bit?
There are three common declarative statements that we make about our lives. Listening to these statements and then asking why can be a powerful on-ramp.
First - look at your "if/only" statements. If only, I had this possession. If only, I had gone to this school. If only, I hadn't gone to that school. Our if/only statements are profound statements of absence. They tell us what we believe to be missing in our lives - even if the rest of our lives are quite full. Understanding why this absence is impactful will tell us a lot about ourselves.
Second - look at the "I will never or I will always" statements. These are the strong resolutions we tell ourselves. I will never again touch the bottle. I'll never again put myself in a situation where I can't x. I'll never again let myself feel that lonely. These sorts of statements come out of our darkest memories / experiences.
Similarly, the I will always statements may come out of moments of great joy - times and places where we felt seen and loved. It is easy to take those experiences and let them tell us what is required to feel that way again.
Third - look at the "people like me" statements. Introverts like me have a hard time making friends. People like me aren't smart enough to learn calculus.
We love being parts of groups and unchecked, we can import a group's identity to our own. This may be useful, but it may also lead us to certain beliefs about ourselves that are not actually true.
Each of these sets of statements offer unique vantage points to understand ourselves at greater depth. And unpacking each may take a bit of time - there is no rush.
Take 1 and with your morning coffee - grab a pen and paper, and jot down a few things that come to mind. Keep the paper close by, as other ideas surface across the day.
Then, when you have a quiet moment, look at each statement and ask the critical question - why? Why is that the case? Why do I believe that? This may prompt the opportunity for a great discussion with a close friend or loved one, way below surface depth.